Betterthanlife

I can’t believe this! It’s like I was turning 9 two years ago! I’m just too young for this age 🥺.

When I turned 21, I gave myself the permission to become more—more honest, more curious, more present, more grounded in who I am. There was a certain clarity that came with 21; in what I value and in what I truly desire.

This past year has been a mix of movement and stillness. A year of exploring different versions of myself, some I outgrew quickly, others I’m still learning to embrace.

I’m deeply grateful to God—not just for keeping me, but for slowly shaping me into someone I’m proud of becoming.

Here are some of the moments that filled my 21st step –

🦋.I graduated with a 4.1 CGPA and got my B.MLS degree, and a temporary license 🥹.

🦋.I love baking and this year, I baked up to 50 cakes! I admire the serenity and space that comes with creating the cakes and one day soon, I hope to pursue a career in cake art.

🦋.I realized that no matter where I’m at, my interests are continually changing, and that’s okay. ~ I have a lot of things I want to learn and become and I hope I give myself enough grace. I hope I’m patient through the process.

🦋.I visited Asaba for the first time and it was a peaceful, beautiful city. It reminded me how much there is to see and experience beyond the familiar and I’m looking forward to a road trip with positive vibes and a quality camera!

🦋.I stood up to a fellow adult who tried to belittle me, and I didn’t shake. I didn’t feel guilty. I was proud of myself. ~Some adults just think that because they are older adults then they have the right to humiliate you. Never again! As you no small, me sef no small.

🦋.I made a firm decision to stop reducing myself to accommodate people who wouldn’t lift a finger for me, and it’s one of the healthiest decisions i’ve made. I’m going to keep being the sweet baby child that I am, while protecting and respecting my own boundaries.

🦋.I nurtured and am nurturing relationships that felt safe, warm, and mutual. And I have become more careful about where I place my energy. ~ Right now, I have less friends in my life than I had last year and I plan to intentionally nourish my present friendships.

🦋.I finally stopped being afraid of looking like the bad person- still on this… Normally, I used to overclarify my points and ramble a lot, to avoid being misunderstood and looked at like a bad person. But I learnt it might be a childhood trauma and now I’m working on it and consciously trying to limit my ‘shalayes’☺️.

🦋.I finished reading three self-help books despite my busyness with my project and professional exams. I also read a Nigerian fiction book by Aiwanose Odafen -‘Tomorrow i become a woman’. It gave me a vivid imagination of the civil war in the 1960s and how life was back then.

🦋.I also started reading my bible everyday again. I struggled with keeping my bible streaks and finding a routine around it. But one day in August, I started and today I’m on 300+. And I don’t just open it, I read it and pray. Everyday.

This year, I didn’t do anything overly loud or flashy—but I know I have grown. Quietly. Deeply. Authentically.

And as I turn 22, I want more than just accomplishments—I want alignment. I want peace. I want to live a life that reflects who I truly am, not who I think I need to be. I want to prioritize my physical and mental health and stop being lackadaisical.

I’ve learned that becoming isn’t a straight line—it’s layered, unpredictable, sometimes slow and sometimes, that is exactly how progress looks.

This new year is for intentional living. For showing up with courage and softness. For rediscovering passions, trying again, and being okay with changing my mind. For financial growth, emotional maturity, spiritual depth, and creative freedom.

So here’s to 22—

To loving myself in full.

To making space for newness.

To never dimming my light to make someone else feel better in the dark.

I don’t have it all figured out. But I’m walking forward anyway, with quiet confidence and a steady heart. And I’m pleased with that.

So 22, let’s do this!! 🦋

I hate love.
I hate what it does to people. Trust? Easily abused. And betrayal? Leaves a metallic taste  ~ a movie

My pain, your pleasure. Some “when life throws you lemons, make lemonade” shit.


If I’m being honest, maybe without realizing it. I think I push people away. I think sometimes, I come off as a little intense.

~ I just found this in my draft and I don’t know why I didn’t publish it earlier. I wrote this sometime in June, the summer I turned 20 ~

I remember 7 years ago when I turned 13 and became a teenager. I wasn’t particularly pumped because I’d heard teenagers were crazy people. But I was ready to embrace the changes that came with teenage. Physical and Social and Emotional and others.

The last six years have been a rollercoaster. The highs and the lows and everything in between. So much growth, so much challenges, so much experiences, so much anger, so much joy, so much blood, sweat and tears. So many memories.

~~~Got into senior high school, had my first serious crush, got in a toxic cycle, got out of the toxic cycle, had amazing friends, outgrew some of the amazing friends, lost some of the amazing friends, discovered my love for writing, wrote my first external examinations, graduated high school, got into the University, survived the pandemic, witnessed a nationwide protest, started my blog, got depressed, had my first kiss, got into a relationship, got out of the relationship quickly, read a lot of books, got into a situationship, got heartbroken from the situationship, took huge risks, started a business, failed the business, learnt a skill, got into a relationship, got broken up with, found a rhythm that works with me and some.

A lot of things seem so small at the time, it’s only long after, when we look back, that we notice them. The moment when things came together. And the moments when things fell apart. These experiences have shaped me into the young woman that I am and –

As I let go of my teen years,

These are some things I’m making peace with…

~ 1. I am making peace with the fact that I’m getting older and stuff like fear of missing out and milestone anxiety are becoming realer and it’s okay to not be where I envisioned myself to be five years ago. What matters is that I’m not where I used to be. Small progress is still progress.

~ 2. I am making peace with relationships ending and not getting closure. Sometimes, chapters come to a close without clear explanations. And chasing after “the why” only disrupts my calm. I’ve realized that there will always come a time where we have to stop trying to force clarity and start being with the truth of what is.

~ 3. I am making peace with having to deal with the same hurts more than once. Some things may always be painful and grief is not linear. Instead of beating myself up over “not being” healed, I am learning to show compassion and grace to myself.

~ 4. I am making peace with some people being upset with me for saying “no”. Honouring my boundaries and being clear about my capacity is essential. Not everyone would like that I am unavailable and that is okay. Protecting my peace is going to sometimes look like letting go and allowing things be what they are. And I’m bracing myself up for that.

5) I am making peace with the fact that I am an adult now and I’m no longer a child and this is my life and I can’t be letting people – friends and family, dictate to me what I want or should want. I’d never be a kid again. Ever. And I need to stop listening to the voice in my head that tries to shrink me and whisper stuff like “what do you know? You’re just a kid”. I don’t know all, but I sure know a lot.

Life is a journey of discovery. There will be moments on mountaintops and moments in deep valleys of despair. But whichever one it is, the faithfulness of God has met me every morning with the gift of life and nothing can dethrone the power and possibility of a good God. Hello 20. I’m ready.

This day three months ago, I had my first ever kiss. It wasn’t expected or planned. In fact, I didn’t even see it coming soon.
I wanted to have it at 16, but things didn’t quite come through so I moved it to 18.
You’re probably like, it’s just a kiss. It doesn’t need this much planning and stuff. But I like to examine things from every angle. I’m a toe-dipper. I’ve made rash decisions without giving thorough thought, sometimes, it worked out fine, but most times, it was disastrous.

Now back to the kiss,
It was the typical Tuesday until it wasn’t. At half past nine, he texted me to meet up but it was really late and I had never snuck out of my house. Just 30 minutes into midnight, I said “screw it, I’d take this risk” and I did. I met him, we talked for a while – a while like more than an hour and a half. I felt so close to him. From the talk we’d had and in distance. It was at this moment in the movies where the characters would kiss. But I’d never done that before so I hugged him instead. And he hugged me tighter. And it was warm and cozy and everything stopped for that moment. Maybe even my pulse.

Then I whispered in his ear “I remember the first time we hugged, 2018 and the second, 2020”. And he said, “Yeah I remember them too” and then I said, “I told myself the next time we’d hug would be 2022, since it skips two years” and he asked me, “Do you want the next time to be 2024?” And I said “Nou” and he said, “Me neither” and I held his face and just looked at him- it was at this moment in the movies they’d kiss again, but instead, I hugged him even tighter. (I’m reliving the moment while writing this 🤗. And smiling like a silly girl in love).

And then he asked, “Do you want to have your first kiss now?” and I said, “Yes” and the next thing I remember was the feeling of his soft, warm, moist lips on mine, nibbling around it. Felt like my eyes opened into a light. It was beautiful. Even though I felt like I was doing a messed up job. It was the perfect imperfect first kiss. It was amazing and it’s a memory I’d cherish forever.

Three months later today, We haven’t talked about it. So, looks like I’d be the only one doing the cherishing. I haven’t regretted it for a moment. Though sometimes I wonder if it meant anything to him. Or what he thought in the days after. But how would it? It wasn’t his first time. I don’t dwell on his thoughts about it anyway. It’s not my problem. I’m just so glad I get to check it off my bucket list! 😚

I remember the summer holidays of 2019 after graduating from high school. Future was so bleak and i was utterly confused about the next step. I for one didn’t want to start university right after high school but i didn’t know what i wanted to do to pass the time. And you know that thing that says “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop”? Yeah. It caught me. Not the devil. My curiosity. Where do people go when they die? How does it even feel to be dead? I wanted to know how it would feel if i didn’t exist anymore. I wanted to hear what people would say when they had the safety of knowing I’d never find out what they said about me. What they’d do without me. How the world would be without me. If there’d even be a difference.

And So i faked my death on August 6th. I planned for it to last about three days and i didn’t think too much about it getting out of hand. I just wanted to know. So I posted my picture on my WhatsApp status and captioned R.I.P. underneath- i made them believe my sister did that of course 😅.
I started getting texts and calls and this thing was getting blown out of proportion. My friend, Solape was already on her way to my house to see for herself. I put off my read receipts and viewed all the reposts of my death. Not gonna lie, it felt good getting to be alive after my “death”. Until someone from church called my sister’s phone to ask if it was true. And then she heard me talk and she was really mad. Because apparently, we’d lost a boy in church earlier that year (God rest his soul). I realized how insensitive it was to have done that. Increased blood pressures and triggered traumas. I had hoped my parents wouldn’t find out -they never did😅.
This post stayed on my status for about 18 minutes and it had escalated so much. Long story short, i took down the post and apologized to my contact list. That night, i was scared to sleep because what if i didn’t wake up the next day 💀😭? But obviously, I’ve been waking up everyday and I’m so so thankful😂. That was a very rough play. And I’m kind of glad i felt what i felt even though it was incomplete.

Now,

What comes to your mind when you hear “Death. Or died, or dead”
The difference between the three though,
“Death” is an abstract noun.
“Died” is a verb.
“Dead” is an adjective.
Three words with a common meaning ” doesn’t exist anymore”

When something or someone dies they seize to exist. They become memories. Their time stops. Their hope evaporates. They become cold. And for a month, or as little as a week or even a day. They live rent free in the minds of those that loved them.

The thing about grief, first off, they’re like tall walls, resonating at very very short frequencies. With time, they’re still the same tall walls, but resonating at longer frequencies than initially. At that time, we’re able to feel alive amidst all the grief. Amidst the pain and the hurt. And we’re able to handle it better.

If only people knew how long they were going to live on earth, things would be very different. More dreams would be fulfilled. More words would be said. And less too. Time wouldn’t have to be wasted chasing the things that would be irrelevant in the long run. Imagine mapping out your life plan according to how long you were given to live. Blisssss!!!
Imagine doing school for 25 whole years and dying a day to graduation. What then would be the essence of the schooling? Of the life given?

But since we don’t know,
I think it’s better those speeches that are said in funerals are said on birthdays instead. Not even just birthdays. Every chance we get. I mean, why leave good words unsaid until the time the person will never know?

I wrote this piece when i was at my worst from the heartbreak and it’s quite unfortunate that i write better when I’m in my worst mood. Anyway, here you go…

“Low-key i wish I never met him. I wish he never worked up the nerves to talk to me on that cool November evening. I wish we didn’t click the first time we spoke. I wish i never flew down the stairs to talk to him that day. I wish i never spelled out my number to him at the bus stop that evening. I wish i never got the chance to meet him, to like him, to hug him. I wish i never met him.

This one hurt like crazy. It hurt so so much. Even though I felt from past experiences that this was going to be no different, i wanted it to be different. And it hurts that i was actually trying. I’ve been broken and mended more times than i can remember and i didn’t want my past traumas to come between me and him. I wanted to put in the work. My trust issues kept screaming that this would go south, just like the others but i kept shutting them out. Believing that this would be different.

He said all those sweet stuff, right before he ripped my heart out. He literally lifted me from the shelf i was and took me up the mountain top, showed me all the things we could have been and all the good stuff that could have happened and then he pushed me down to eat the sand. While holding her hand. He shouldn’t have started talking to me if he had someone else. He should have left me where he saw me. I was doing just fine before he met me. At least, i was going to be fine.

He used me and my feelings to realize he wanted her all along. I feel stupid all over again. It had been long anyone showed me they cared and they got me and it had been long i felt that kind of pain. Because I’d built my walls so high up. I remember how hurt i was in 2019 and i didn’t want to feel that pain again. I know how hard i struggled to get to where i was when he met me. And i decided to give it a long shot even though I clearly shouldn’t have. I knew it was bad to continue with him but i wanted to give him the benefits of the doubts. Because i deserve good things too. But he wasn’t a good thing. Not to me.

I remember saying i wasn’t going to cry. But then, it hit me later like a rod on my head and i began to cry. I cried like a child. I felt dead. But alive. I cried with all the strength i had. Till i had just enough strength to pump blood. It was so hard to draw breath and to blink my eyes. Then i did music. Played one song on repeat for a whole week even while asleep, blasting through my Bluetooth device. Non-stop. Then i started to get better and then i broke again.

Even though I’d gotten over the last people, I’d never completely healed from the hurt. And i don’t know if i ever will. Now, i have to deal with the trauma of meeting him. This one hurt me really bad. I knew i wasn’t wrong to not have trusted him completely, i mean, for someone who had such ill-luck in matters of the heart. My trust issues might have been poison to others, sometimes to me. But they’ve always meant to protect me. I was on my own when he found me. He looked at me and chose to break my heart to mend hers.

But.

Thank you for showing me what actual pain feels like. Thank you for making me to be able to relate to actual heartbreak. Thank you for messing with my head, leading me on and playing with my feelings. Thank you for letting me know i had so much strength in me to bear something like that. Thank you for telling me i wasn’t good enough. Thank you for choosing someone else over me.”

If my heart really broke. I’d be dead by now.

It’s been a minute!

I won’t say i didn’t have the inspiration to write. I’d say i was just lazy to type them out and edit. I wrote out some articles i was going to publish in a journal i got in 2020, but somehow, i lost the journal.

It’s been about twenty months now. A lot has happened in my life since then. Some, I’m proud of, some, I’m grateful for, some, lessons were learnt, and most importantly, I’ve grown from all of them and I’m still growing and I can boldly say that I’m not the same person I was the last time i wrote here. I’m a better person.

The change might be really little and not so evident but have you heard that quote that read- “You’re way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying”? Well, now you have. Also, 1.00³⁶⁵= 1 but 1.01³⁶⁵= 37.78343433288715. Small progress is still progress 😊.

I’m not in my best mood right now actually. I got my heart broken. Again. Again and again. I MIGHT talk about it when I’ve healed enough to talk about it. Pity my pathetic phat arse 😭😔

I’ve always loved the idea of writing. I remember some time in grade 5 when I and my group of girlfriends wanted to become book authors and I’d write the stories, someone else would edit and someone else would publish it. We really had the complete chain that books went through before getting sold to the public. Just that, we weren’t professional. I mean, we were a bunch of nine year olds 😂.

I’ve always loved writing. I had diaries i wrote in every single day when i was in high school. I documented almost everything that happened each day. As much as the space could accommodate. I remember our economics teacher seizing my diary one day from one troublesome boy that wanted to read it. I never saw that book again.

Even though I’ve outgrown keeping diaries, I’ve channeled my writing into other methods. I write on my personal solo WhatsApp group, i have a daybook on my phone I journal in. It’s a makeshift diary but not exactly a diary.

Writing has always been my safe place. While writing, I’m my most honest self. No one will read it if i don’t want them to and so, I don’t have to hold back or make what I’m writing about seem less of a deal than it feels to me. Whatever situation that has me all caged up in anxiety, fear, confusion, love, hurt, pain or elation, I write it out.

When I’m excited or happy, i write down all about it. I even add the emojis . When I’m sad or angry, i write it out plainly – “Sad” or “Angry”. I even let some tears hit the page. Just like a signature.

The whole point of writing down when I’m in a terrible mood is that, by stopping to write these things down on paper, I’m admitting to myself how i actually feel and I’m giving myself time and space to calm down and process my emotions.

It helps to stop me from taking rash decisions when I’m caught up in my feels and a couple of times, it has saved me from dramatic reactions and avoidable unpleasant situations.

Dating means setting out time to spend with someone you’re interested in, to get to know them more. Or at least, that’s what it should be.

I don’t know much about relationships and dating, but I stepped in and I think I messed up. Firstly, I met this guy and a week later, i agreed to be his girlfriend – who does this 🤦.

I didn’t like this person enough to kiss him anyway. And I haven’t had my first kiss yet. I’m saving it and I’m afraid that I’d have it with someone and then regret it- it’s just a kiss and shouldn’t be a biggie yeah? But I am me.

~Found out dating can be physically, financially, mentally and socially draining. And while I’ve heard of ‘casual dating’, it’s not my thing. I’m a ‘If I have to do this, I have to have a vested interest in it’ person. My experience was rubbish, but I am consoling myself with the -!First times are not usually bliss!

If you’re not ready for the work, don’t engage. Good thing i didn’t lose anything in the relationship i had. But then, there’s the fact that I’ve dated someone and I now have an ex🤢.

Remember when i said i love fiercely? I think i lost those powers when i finally told my crush how i felt after four years. It was unrequited. And not that i regret doing that, it freed me actually. I knew better and I wasn’t even really into the guy I was “dating” as much as I know myself to be when I’m ‘in love’, if not, mehn 💔. Damn.

We didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things and I wonder how I got into a relationship with him in the first place. I think this guy generally wasn’t a good person. He was a manipulative gaslighter and I was naive(still am), and giving him ‘benefits of the doubts’ almost ruined me.

Moral of the story

Adding this just in case you got tired of reading my gibberish. Dating is a beautiful thing. I love love. But i think there’s more to it than meets the eye. It’s not as cut and dry as people make it seem. There’s more. So if you’re not ready for the cringes and foil sickness and unnecessary tears and drama it comes with, just focus on other things. This is from my own little but significantly terrible experiences.
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