I met him. But I wish I didn’t.

I wrote this piece when i was at my worst from the heartbreak and it’s quite unfortunate that i write better when I’m in my worst mood. Anyway, here you go…

“Low-key i wish I never met him. I wish he never worked up the nerves to talk to me on that cool November evening. I wish we didn’t click the first time we spoke. I wish i never flew down the stairs to talk to him that day. I wish i never spelled out my number to him at the bus stop that evening. I wish i never got the chance to meet him, to like him, to hug him. I wish i never met him.

This one hurt like crazy. It hurt so so much. Even though I felt from past experiences that this was going to be no different, i wanted it to be different. And it hurts that i was actually trying. I’ve been broken and mended more times than i can remember and i didn’t want my past traumas to come between me and him. I wanted to put in the work. My trust issues kept screaming that this would go south, just like the others but i kept shutting them out. Believing that this would be different.

He said all those sweet stuff, right before he ripped my heart out. He literally lifted me from the shelf i was and took me up the mountain top, showed me all the things we could have been and all the good stuff that could have happened and then he pushed me down to eat the sand. While holding her hand. He shouldn’t have started talking to me if he had someone else. He should have left me where he saw me. I was doing just fine before he met me. At least, i was going to be fine.

He used me and my feelings to realize he wanted her all along. I feel stupid all over again. It had been long anyone showed me they cared and they got me and it had been long i felt that kind of pain. Because I’d built my walls so high up. I remember how hurt i was in 2019 and i didn’t want to feel that pain again. I know how hard i struggled to get to where i was when he met me. And i decided to give it a long shot even though I clearly shouldn’t have. I knew it was bad to continue with him but i wanted to give him the benefits of the doubts. Because i deserve good things too. But he wasn’t a good thing. Not to me.

I remember saying i wasn’t going to cry. But then, it hit me later like a rod on my head and i began to cry. I cried like a child. I felt dead. But alive. I cried with all the strength i had. Till i had just enough strength to pump blood. It was so hard to draw breath and to blink my eyes. Then i did music. Played one song on repeat for a whole week even while asleep, blasting through my Bluetooth device. Non-stop. Then i started to get better and then i broke again.

Even though I’d gotten over the last people, I’d never completely healed from the hurt. And i don’t know if i ever will. Now, i have to deal with the trauma of meeting him. This one hurt me really bad. I knew i wasn’t wrong to not have trusted him completely, i mean, for someone who had such ill-luck in matters of the heart. My trust issues might have been poison to others, sometimes to me. But they’ve always meant to protect me. I was on my own when he found me. He looked at me and chose to break my heart to mend hers.

But.

Thank you for showing me what actual pain feels like. Thank you for making me to be able to relate to actual heartbreak. Thank you for messing with my head, leading me on and playing with my feelings. Thank you for letting me know i had so much strength in me to bear something like that. Thank you for telling me i wasn’t good enough. Thank you for choosing someone else over me.”

If my heart really broke. I’d be dead by now.